Christmas time.

He was born to die.
That we may live.

As the years go by, the whole buying presents madness is becoming less and less important, somehow. I think I can almost safely say that I'll be fine not receiving presents at Christmas - esp if that's what the Season has been relegated to.

Been rather philosophical lately. Been also purposely avoiding the crowds at all major and minor shopping centres. I mean, it can get rather pointless, can't it - buying pre-wrapped presents to distribute, which in turn get recycled as next year's gifts by the other party... This year I've only REALLY bought REAL presents for a handful of folks. Does that mean I've become a scrooge? Well, cost savings wasn't really a motive. Perhaps I'm just tired of how the Season has become so commercialised, so all about gifts & fake smiles.

I'm not judging gift exchanges - I think they're great in that they DO make people feel good. Who doesn't like to receive presents, right? But perhaps more heartfelt gifts are given when it's not in season to give gifts. Gifts on a whim... somehow more precious.

But well. This year's Christmas has been different. Perhaps not in the outward, but definitely in what has gone on in the inside of my mind and heart. God knows. I mean that literally.

I mean, imagine if Jesus hadn't come into this world -

How different things would be.

Am reading a book now on the life of Paul.

This man of God has always fascinated me. I see him reflected in my own personality; it's scary, the similarities. Yet so many lessons I've learnt, lessons on balancing law and grace. Not that I've entirely grasped that balance as yet, but at least I'm on the journey to, I believe.

Faith and works. Law and grace. Seemly contradictions, yet Biblically co-habiting, inter-dependent. Really need You, Holy Spirit, to bring further illumination.

The more I spend time reflecting, the more I'm realising my own foolishness, and how much I need Him in interpreting His Word. It can't be done on mere theological argument; rhema must come.

Lord, Your rhema, pls!

So. I'm now in the Hilton KL, enjoying the amneties, the room, the quietude. Tomorrow's my final presentation, need to score in that one, but will take one day at a time. So far it's been a good time of rest, reading the Christian books I've brought along.

Author's Frank Peretti, and his Christian fiction works are amazing. I like the perspective he puts on things, e.g. spiritual warfare and how real it is. Finished reading "This Present Darkness" and now devouring "Piercing the Darkness". In both books, a town is ravaged by demons as the Strongman attempts to establish a hold on the territory. Angelic hosts are present, of course, but the part that has struck me most is how dependent they are on prayer to act.

I guess sometimes it's so easy to take for granted prayer, this tool that we've been given. So easy to just let our thoughts wander, and start to THINK about things instead of LETTING GO and committing them to God in prayer. Rationalisation is perhaps one of the enemy's strongest weapons. Anything and everything can be explained away. Anything and everything can be a grey area. Anything and everything can be pushed beyond their reasonable limits. Anything and everything can be both right and wrong, depending on what perspective you take.

So subtle are the enemy's lies. He knows fully well that overt deception is easily identified and hence rejected; it's in the subtleties that true warfare takes place.

Anyway I've been writing in a journal lately, my private thoughts and private prayers. I wonder if written prayers count, and yet somehow I think there's a certain power in oral confession. After all, why else would the Bible talk about needing to "confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord", not just believe in the heart alone? And then there's the exercise of the gift of tongues, the spiritual muscle. The tongue is not loosed by the finger writing.

Then what about mute people? Would they have the gift of tongues? Perhaps it'll then be in the cries of their spirit unto God.

But it shouldn't be for me to wonder if I can use their position to rationalise tongue-speaking. If I'm given the gift of speech, I'm to be a steward of it, and that includes doing the things that I've been enabled to do!

Yet, oh man, this thing, thought. Lord I need Your peace upon my mind. Oh Lord, even as I type this I say it out loud, as well as in my heart. Lord I need You, Holy Spirit, to take over my heart, mind, soul and spirit, for I do not trust myself at all. I don't trust the thoughts that enter my mind. I don't trust my humanity, cos I know how flawed I am. Yet Lord I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made by You, and that You love me, weaknesses and all. But Your Word also says that Your strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. So Lord I boast about my weaknesses - Oh Lord I am so weak! Far from being the confident person that many make me out to be, Lord You know exactly who I am and what goes on behind the scenes. And Lord I need You, You know I do. Please come and fill me anew, afresh. Renew my mind in You Lord, I need You to take FULL control. I claim Your freedom and victory in Jesus' name, from anything and everything that's holding me down, weighing me down. Help me Lord, to truly forget what's behind, casting aside all that hinders, to press on towards that which You have in store for me, that heavenly purpose that was determined even before I was born. Lord hold me tight and never let me go. Grab a whole of my heart and my mind especially. Only You know, and I put my trust in You alone. You know me inside out, You know what's best for me, You know what I need to go through at every station, every season, everyday of my life. Jesus, my Lord, Saviour and Friend - never ever let me go I pray. Keep my feet from stumbling, hold me up with Your righteous right hand I pray. Oh bless You Lord, for You are good, all the time, independent of how I feel, cos it's an unchangable fact, as real as the fingers that type this. Jesus I give You control. Take me Lord, bless Your holy name. My heart cries out to You Lord; my soul pants for You like a deer pants for the water. Bless You Lord, Your name be praised always! Amen and Amen!

I've always enjoyed writing. And in the recent few weeks, I've given serious thought to writing Christian books, full-time or otherwise.

It's not that I don't enjoy my current job (note: I have NO intention of quitting!), or I don't enjoy ministry to people, not about that at all. But I've been reading so much these few days that I can't help but appreciate the power of the book in bringing out a message, Christian or otherwise.

No wonder Jesus used parables to explain what the Kingdom was all about. Stories somehow bring to life principles that seem technical and irrelevant when they stand alone.

I would love to write a book - about the reality of Jesus in the everyday life of an ordinary girl. She looks a-ok and all put together on the outside, to the world, but inside battles occur in such multitude that the mind cannot capture it all at once, or even begin to comprehend. Yes, to articulate the swirling pool of conflicting thoughts and emotions in the girl's life... Question is, will I be bold and committed enough to carry a book like that to fruition?

Lord, if You're willing, use these hands I pray. Focus my mind, channel my thoughts, calm my heart, and breathe your breath of life through me, for I need You.

I cannot stand alone.

Musings on Ecclesiastes Chapter 4...

The chapter starts off by talking about the rat race of this world - how the motivation to work and succeed is often as ignoble as to win the next person - "... labour and achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbour." This never-ending competition, how can it create any contentment or satisfaction? There will always seem to be someone better than us, no matter how hard we strive. Is it worth all the striving and heartache and sweat?

The next 2 verses seem to contradict - it's a fool who "folds his hands and ruins himself", but yet it's better to have "one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind", i.e. it is better to have less than more. But is it really a contradiction? Would it mean rather that yes, we do and should work hard, but we also must learn to let go and be content when we reach a certain point? Of course, easier thought than done.

Next few verses talk about the value of companionship. The world speaks about individualism, but the Bible here is clear - "two are better than one", because we are human and hence falliable; the best of us will fall at least once. But when we do, what matters is not just personal strength, but having people around us who love us enough to be patient in pulling us up and encouraging us to keep on keeping on. It may have become a cliche, but it's still true - man cannot stand alone. We're just not created to.

Last few verses talk about teachability. No wonder Jesus said that one can only enter the kingdom of God as a child - because children continue to be open to new things. The older we grow, the deafer we get to advice, guidance, suggestions... the harder we adapt to change. It's clear here - it's not about how pure our bloodline is, what kind of circumstance shrouds our childhood or even where we are today. It is better to be a "poor but wise youth than an old but foolish king who does not know how to take warning".

I find the last verse particularly sobering - even if the wise youth were to prove himself to the people he became king to, the future generations to come may still "not be pleased with the successor (i.e. the youth)". Goes to show that it is this - striving to please everyone or prove something to everybody - that too is meaningless, a chasing after of the wind.