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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Sometimes the worst of it happens in the mind.

Physical weakness, I can deal with. Big purple bruises where the needle pierced my skin to inject sedation fluid (which my boss jokingly mistook to be abuse), I can take.

But the hardest of battles is in choosing not to get booged down and miserable in the circumstance, or indulge in a pity-party, as one is wont to do (and probably people would understand too).

Yet what kind of life would that be? Going around looking drawn and sad. The proverb "laughter doth good like a medicine" ain't for nothing.

It's a daily decision to lift my eyes off myself and what I'm feeling, and up to the heavens, where my Help comes from. I'm not saying I've always been successful in doing so; so that's why this is simply part of the molding, strengthening process.

To indeed be joyful and thankful in ALL circumstances.

He's been speaking to me through Psalm 73:26 -


My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my
portion forever.


Flesh - Physically hit, check.
Heart - Emotionally hit, check.

But He is the STRENGTH of my heart. Where my emotions fail, He doesn't. He carries me through and puts that smile on my face.

And my PORTION. Always wondered what "portion" meant. My 'piece'? My 'share'?

Then I checked out dictionary.com :


your overall circumstances or condition in life (including everything that
happens to you)


He is my destiny! He is my life's condition! Everything that happens to me is His!

So why fret? Why worry? My life is in the ablest of hands.

He is my portion not just yesterday, not just today, but FOREVER and EVER and EVER...!

He's worthy to be praised lah. He's too good to be true - but it IS the truth that He is :)

And of course, another perk of this whole situation is -

I GET FLOWERS!!!

And a BEAR!!!

The last time I got such a full bouquet was (counting intently here) 7 years ago? From my first and only then-boyfriend?

Though this is not from a secret admirer, and from a happily married couple at that...

I'M STILL SO HAPPY!

Girls are suckers for flowers, impractical as they are :) Well, even if they wilt, I've still got the BEAR!!!

Mmm :) THANK YOU PM & PAL! :)



prinsessa mused @ 8:01 PM

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Monday, September 26, 2005

I've received many well-wishes since my last post - thanks all you guys. They have made my days :)

So often I've read about other people going thru worse illnesses and how their perspectives change, and I nod in detached agreement.

But now, I begin to understand.

Unable to do much, I now am forced to rely on God and others - not earning their love or compassion, cos I can't do anything for them. And thus I'm beginning to realise what true GRACE is.

Undeserved favour.
Undeserved.

Really, my heart wells up with thanks for this period.

I find my world is changing. Not because it's changing.

But because I am.


prinsessa mused @ 7:44 PM

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Saturday, September 24, 2005

So I see the gastrointestinal specialist at Mt E, and he says there's something wrong with my liver. Something to do with SGPT/ALT levels, and my liver fighting with my immune system. Medical jargon aside, he tells me there are 2 alternatives to take:

1) To wait and see if my immune system manages to overcome the virus attacking my liver, on its own - 17% of patients succeed in this 'natural state'. If this is chosen, bi-weekly blood tests are to be taken for monitoring of enzyme levels. Of course, because, as in the good doctor's own words, my liver is the battle field for the immune system and the virus, the longer I 'wait and see', the higher the probability of my liver getting damaged further.

2) To start treatment immediately, first by doing a liver biopsy ($1,200) to determine if the liver can take the treatment, followed by weekly injections for a year (about $20,000 a year).

I tell him I need to speak to my parents about this. $20,000 is no joke. And so is my liver, of course.

I speak to my Mum, and we decide to go with Alternative 1. Because my Mum was one of the 17% who made it. And because we serve a big God.

In the quietness I ask myself sometimes, why must this happen, now. Sometimes I wish I am in another body. In another mind. In another personality even. But He's bigger than all I can even imagine. So why think so far, eh? Might as well just rest in Him.

Sometimes for activity-addicted me, that's literally easier said than done. But I must let not my will, but His be done.

And in all things, give thanks, for He is indeed good.

The Lord gives, the Lord takes - BLESSED BE HIS NAME!


prinsessa mused @ 10:59 PM

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Did a Starhub survey on imode, and this came up at the end of it:

... In the meantime, based on your answers, we think you are a ...

Spontaneous and adaptable "balance in life" seeker

You like to be in touch with the in-crowd, in touch with what's new, and making sure you have the best of it. You appreciate design, and quality. You can give a 120% when you need to, but know that you don't need to 100% of the time. You know that life is for living, and you're smart enough to make sure that you have time to relax, chill and just be yourself.

You come across to many as a patient, people person who is a good listener, adaptable and accommodating to others. You have the ability to "go with
the flow" of your surroundings. This ability is both your biggest strength and weakness; at best, you're very accepting and supportive of others as they really are, but at worst you can sometimes forget who you yourself are, passively agreeing with others and reticent to assert your own desires.

You may have a particularly hard time when making painful decisions, like firing someone, because you also see the other person's predicament, and hate to force confrontations. Sometimes you can find it hard to get started on things. However, this inertia can also work to your advantage, because once started you will make slow-but-steady progress, becoming determined and relentless in your pursuits.

Famous people who share these traits include:Bill Clinton, Carl Jung, Nelson Mandela, Tiger Woods, Prince Charles, Ronald Reagan, Albert Einstein, Dwight Eisenhower


2 words: Bill Clinton???


prinsessa mused @ 8:09 PM

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Sunday, September 18, 2005

I'm slouching in my bed, laptop on my lap, listening to the sound of birds mingling with the construction that has already begun. I see the aircon lightly touching the curtains on my window that move gentily and jerkily with the automated breeze.

It's been a while since I've slacked off like this. Perhaps the last time was when I was in Lund. For D-C ol' me, I feel guilty, seconds ticking by with nothing fruitful being done. Then again, maybe this IS fruitfulness - the recharging and renewal so that I can cont on more efficiently and effectively. I seem to crave the need for rationalising everything; to do things impulsively? Almost unheard of. I think sometimes I think too much. I try to stone off, but can't. Thoughts creep into my mind unwanted, unsought for. I want a break, a mind-blank time, but perhaps that's just running away.

Perhaps that's why the only time I get true true peace is when I fix my mind and eyes on Him. Perhaps too often I'm fixing my eyes on other people and what they think of me, that that's become the basis of all I do. But that becomes so tiring, cos when can one ever be satisfied, with someone else or even ourselves? It's maybe a human thing to always be discontent.

But that's why the Bible tells me to 'not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind'. To live by the world's standards is so tiring. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. It's not tiring to live for Him. It may be tough, but not tiring. His grace is sufficient for me.

I'm increasingly brought to reckon with my faith these few days. Why do I believe in what I believe. Is it because I was brought up in a Christian home? Is it because I've grown up in church, and it's all I've ever known? Is it because that's how I please people, by being a 'good Christian girl'? That can't, and isn't, what it's all about.

This relationship is between me and Jesus, and no one else. Living a life that pleases Him is having a faith rooted and established into the one Foundation that is Jesus Christ, and no one or nothing else. Nothing else can matter. My own righteousness is but filthy rags - so why do I strive?

I hide in His righteousness, in His act of love on the Cross. If all else fails, if everyone else departs from me, can I stand? I think I can only stand if He is with me.

Maybe that's why I suspect I'm not ready to have a guy enter my life yet, because I may just start to fix my eyes on him instead of Him, and that'll be dangerously unstable.

Maybe I'm afraid of falling, because love is such a tricky thing, and the heart is deceitful beyond measure. I'm afraid that when I "fall in love", I fall out of focus.

So I continue to submit and surrender to God's ordained time, to God's ordained partner, whenever, whoever. Some may say I'm weak, to place such decisions in God's hand rather than take the bull by the horns and make things work for myself. But I put no confidence in the flesh, and He sees the biggest picture. He's sovereign, the Beginning and the End, He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.

The Lord is my Helper, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?


prinsessa mused @ 9:38 AM

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Have been having Greenbelt training over the past few days (6 sigma is to be part of my DNA as a GE employee). I finally understand that risk assessment program that Ben Stiler used to evaluate Jennifer Aniston in Along Came Polly - the official name for it is Quality Function Development (QFD). Quite fascinating, actually, and though it may seem super geeky, it's a good evaluation tool for - a life partner.

(I know I've just made myself a social pariah :P)

But seriously. Anyway the topic has been coming up over the past few days. Had a good catchup with Mum as we walked to the mamashop together on Sunday to buy snacks after dinner, and she sounded me out about meeting the children of her church friends to 'expand the social circle'. That opened up the topic of hubby requirements.

Ok, to put it on CTQ terms (i.e. what, in the customer's perspective, is Critical to Quality) and their ranking in terms of importance (5 most impt, 1 least impt):
  1. Christian - 5 (I'll be living with this person daily - He HAS to share the foundation of my life)
  2. Higher education level - 2
  3. Intellectually compatible - 4 (this is different from education level, mind you. I know of some people who score straight As but can't carry on a stimulating conversation)
  4. Same church ministry - 3 (but I realise this is a variable over time)
  5. Same ministry passion - 4 (probably more of a constant than church ministry)
  6. Financially stable - 3 (impt, but well, if God calls us to full time, then this becomes irrelevant, cos we'll be living on God's provision)
  7. Good relationship with family - 5 (YES! One of the biggest 'tests' any potential mate must go thru)
  8. Maturity - 5
  9. Looks - 1 (seriously...all the guys I've had major crushes on are NOT good-lookers (hope none of them are reading this. But then, they'd prob not know I'm referring to them ;)))
  10. Confidence - 3 (though I find I'm usually attracted to confidence)
Note that this list is NON-exhausive...will probably be adding to it in the time to come. I can just see this raising complaints about the pickiness of Singaporean women etc etc. But hey, marriage IS a decision that lasts for a lifetime. They say that there are 2 important decisions in life - marriage comes first, and career choice second (a distant second, to my opinion, cos you can always change jobs, but not a spouse. At least for traditional ol' me, likely N/A for Hollywood, which may probably switch jobs and marriage around in terms of priority...).

Ultimately, am still trusting God for my own 'love story' to come to pass, in His perfect time. For now, am definitely enjoying the gift of singlehood; biological clock satiated by youth ministry :)


prinsessa mused @ 8:32 PM

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Monday, September 05, 2005

Psalm 23: A Shepherd's Perspective

"Shalom my friends. My name is Yeshua ben Yosef. I am from the ancient
land of Palestine and I'm a shepherd by trade. It is an honour for a
man of my occupation to be allowed to stand here and speak with you
today. You see in my nation shepherding is not looked upon with favour.
For most of my countrymen it is a job to be avoided rather than sought.
The hours are long. The work is dirty and backbreaking. You should see
the thick calluses on my feet. And the pay ... well let's just say
you'll never get rich tending sheep for a living. I learned the trade
from my father and I continue the family tradition.

You pastor thought it would be helpful for me to come and speak with
you today about my lowly occupation. I'm not really sure what a humble
man such as I could teach you, but I'll tell you everything that I know.

Did you know that in the Bible you read, God refers to his people, you
and me, as sheep nearly two hundred times? You may have never
considered the significance of that comparison but I have because I
work with sheep day and night. Let me tell you it's not a compliment to
be called a sheep. Why not rather eagles - majestic, swift and
beautiful? No, God calls us his sheep. Why not lions - strong,
fearless, terrifying? No, instead, God calls us his sheep. Oh they're
unique, but to be compared to one is nearly an insult. A sheep is
perhaps
the stupidest animal on the face of the earth.
Have you ever seen a trained sheep in the circus? You'll see elephants,
horses, bears, seals even hippos, but not sheep. They're too stupid to
train. Sheep are also quite filthy. The wool that you see in clothing
has been cleaned thoroughly. The fluffy white sheep that you view on
your television sets didn't get that way on their own. Sheep will not
and cannot clean themselves. The shepherd or his hired hands must do it
for them. Not only are they dumb and dirty, sheep are utterly
defenceless. They have no claws, no fangs, no wings. They can't run
fast or scare an enemy off with a loud roar or spray a predator with a
noxious scent. All they can do is bleat.

Sheep are completely reliant on their shepherds. Their lives and
well-being depend on the person who oversees them each day. If God
calls us his sheep I wonder just what he's trying to say?

Maybe you would understand God a little better if you spent a day with me.
Come with me on a journey shepherding sheep.

The day begins early, before dawn. It is my job to provide food and
water for my sheep. This is not an easy task. You see in my country the
land is parched and dry. We have nothing like the vast green pasture
lands that your sheep and cattle enjoy here. You can just turn your
animals loose and they have all the food they need. But not in my
country. Oh no. Grass can be found only in narrow strips separated by
long stretches of rock and dust. Except during the rainy season, water
is provided by natural springs or wells spread out here and there. I
sometimes have to lead my sheep miles just for a few yards of grass or
a quick drink of water. It is for that reason that we arise early. It
takes all day to find the nourishment my sheep need.

I know the area like the back of my hand. I've walked every square foot
of it many times. This is how I'm able to lead my sheep. You may have
imagined that shepherding is like those old Westerns you've seen where
the cowboys, riding their horses behind the herd, drive the cattle
forward. Shepherding is somewhat different. I walk in front of the herd
and
they follow me.
Wherever I go they go. If I were unfamiliar with the land or the sheep
were left on their own they'd starve to death. But I lead them. I know
where the grass is. I've been there beforehand.

We spend the entire morning travelling from pasture to pasture. By
mid-day the sheep are exhausted and thirsty. They need refreshing or
they
will die.
Along the route I know the location of several oasis. These places have
shade and lush pasture for the sheep to rest. I make they lie down and
drink. Speaking of which, did you know that sheep won't drink from just
any water source. Oh no. They will only drink from quiet still pools.
They have a natural fear of fast moving water and for good reason. If a
sheep should slip into a river or stream its wool would soon soak up
the water and become completely saturated. Sheep are poor swimmers
anyway, but the weight of the water in their wool would cause them to
sink and drown. That's why the waters must be gentle and still. If I
can't find a pool I have to create one by diverting water from a
stream. Now you're beginning to understand what hard work shepherding is.

My sheep will be fine and have everything that they need as long as
they follow me. I lead them along well-worn paths where I know we will
find food and water. They need my guidance.

My sheep also need my protection. The land where we travel is fraught
with dangers. Predators like lions and bears stalk the herds. There's
the occasional pack of wild dogs. Some harmless looking plants, though
tasty, prove to be poisonous. A sheep might easily stumble over a cliff
or fall into a ravine and die. But my sheep have no need to fear. I
watch out for them. If they begin to wander off in the wrong direction
I have my trusty shepherd's staff to prod them back in the right
direction. If they should fall into a pit or a ravine I use the other
end of my staff to reach down and lift them to safety. I carry two
sticks, though. One is a staff, but the other is a club. The staff is
for my sheep, but the club is for predators. My sheep may be dumb, but
I'm quite attached to them. I'll fight tooth and nail for their lives.
Some of the hirelings and other shepherds I'm acquainted with have seen
me battle a few of those big carnivores. They laugh and joke and tell
me that some day one of those lions or bears will have me for lunch.
That may be true, but I can tell you that I won't look the other way or
run the other way like those cowards. No, that's the difference between
a good and a bad shepherd. A good shepherd will lay down his life for
his
sheep.

As long as they follow me I guide and protect my sheep. It's tough
work, but I always make sure my sheep have food to eat. I always check
out the fields before I allow them to graze. If there are poisonous
plants in the area and go through and weed out everyone by hand. I also
check the ground for snake holes. I told you it's dangerous in my land.
We have tiny little vipers that live underground in some of the
pasturelands. When they sense the sheep grazing, they pop their ugly
heads out of the ground and bite the sheep on the nose. The infection
or
venom from the bite could kill them.
But I have a remedy for those viscous little enemies. I walk off the
entire area looking for snake holes. When I find them I pour a little
olive oil into the entrance of the hole. Then I anoint the head and
nose of each sheep with the same oil and allow them to graze. The oil
prevents the slick bodies of the snakes from crawling out of their
holes. They're powerless to harm my sheep. It makes me laugh to watch
my little lambs have a picnic in the very presence of their enemies.

By evening we return to the sheepfold. One by one I examine each of them.
If I find any cuts or scraps on their bodies I apply healing ointment
to their wounds. I make sure they have water to drink. If I find one
nearly overcome with thirst I have a special cup-shaped bucket and let
him drink by himself. Sometimes those sheep are so thirsty that they
stick their heads in too fast and too far and the water overflows and
wets
their heads.

Before bedding down for the night I always count my flock. Occasionally
one of the lambs will stray, and there's nothing more vulnerable than a
sheep without it's shepherd. I go immediately to find it and bring it
back to the sheepfold.

Every once in a while one of my lambs will develop a habit of straying.
I remember one little fellow. I named him Jake. He came from a fine family.
His grandfather was one of my very first sheep. I called him Old Abe.
Jake's father was Isaac. Both Old Abe and Isaac faithfully followed me
and stayed on the path, but not that little rascal Jake. He turned up
missing more times than I could count. Sometimes he was in search of
greener pastures while at other times I found him chasing butterflies.
He never realized the danger he in, but I understood it clearly.

Something had to be done. We shepherds have developed a technique
guaranteed to prevent straying. It is used only as a last resort --
when a sheep refuses to stay with the flock. The last time I caught him
straying I used it on little Jake. No doubt you will think that it's
cruel, but it saves the life of my sheep. At the end of the day I found
little Jake wandering dangerously toward a steep gorge. I picked him
up, put him on my shoulders and carried him back to the sheepfold. He
didn't struggle. Jake just looked at me with only trust in his eyes. I
sat him down and quickly placed his right front leg across my staff.
With one swift motion I pulled down of the long bone of his leg and
broke it. Wild-eyed, Jake struggled to get away. He immediately fell to
the ground in pain. He couldn't understand. The one who provided for
him and rescued him, the one who he trusted was inflicting the most
excruciating suffering he'd ever endured. I didn't want to, but I had
to do
it to save his life.

Over the next few days, little Jake could barely get up. As the flocks
moved from pasture to pasture I carried him every step of the way. I
held him close in those days. He was suffering with that broken leg,
but all the while I carried him close to my heart. I sat him down to
eat
and drink.
Gradually he was able to walk again, but the smallest hill looked like
a mountain to him and the shallowest stream like a mile-wide river.
Whenever he encountered and obstacle all he could do was stop and look
to me. Then I'd pick him up and help him over. Jake learned to trust
and to follow. I had to break him to save his life. It worked. Jake is
still with me today and one of my most loyal sheep.

Well that's a day in the life of a shepherd. It's not glamorous, but
it's a living.
As undignified as my profession is it still amazes me that God compares
himself to a shepherd and his people to sheep. I can see the truth in
it though. After all he meets our needs by providing the necessities of
life, by guiding us each day and by protecting us. I guess we would be
as content and at peace as my sheep if we'd just learn to trust and
follow him. Even if we don't understand where he's leading or what he's
doing in our lives, if we'd just trust him and follow him we'd be
satisfied.

Thank you for listening. I've got to get back to work. This shepherding
is a never-ending job if you know what I mean?"

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the
still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for
his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will
fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou
anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.



prinsessa mused @ 10:35 PM

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Saturday, September 03, 2005

He said that I looked like I was all set to go party that Friday after work.

I looked down at what I was wearing - long-sleeved white collared top, blue corduory pants, black heels. Very 'party' meh? Anyway, I told him that no, I'll not be making a beeline to Hard Rock after work that day, but, interestingly, to church instead.

It's quite interesting to see how people respond when we tell them about our faith.

I think the guy (one of my big bosses' chauffeur, in case you're wondering. And he's married, so don't even think about it.) must have been thinking - "Christians can have dyed hair meh?" (that's a whole debate in itself) But anyhoo, it did get him to start opening up about himself too (give someone a personal nugget, and it breaks down that invisible wall of aloofness to allow us to scratch one more level beneath the surface). And I found our conversation that day fascinating, as all conversations which allow me to get to know the person better beyond the persona that all of us project to the general public. There's a story behind every person, and sometimes, I find fact can be stranger and more gripping than fiction. Perhaps that's why autobiographies and reality shows do so well. Or maybe everyone's born kaypoh.

But I remember that when I was younger (and I still sometimes do this now), I like to stare out of the window of the bus, gaze at the passersby on the roads and wonder to myself what their story and background would be. How many children does that lady have? Does he live alone, or with his grown-up children? What kind of job does she have, and is she happy there? How many people is he supporting with his income?

Each person has a story to tell, and I find that sometimes, a genuine smile to a complete stranger can do wonders in opening the book to someone's story, one page at a time.

Or maybe, as in the case of the chauffeur, it was my heels that did it...

Or maybe, killer smile + killer heels = killer icebreaker :)


prinsessa mused @ 10:44 PM

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CURRENT TIME-


VISITORS
have popped by since 1 Oct 2005 :)

MY KAKI-
darren
joy
patrick
rigan
stanley I
stanley II
tuanyee

ABOUT ME-
Age:
23
Location:
Lil red dot called Singapore
What this blog is about:
A fodder of conversations -
I like to jump off the human bandwagon, grab a cup of coffee, and take time to talk, to my Papa God, others, and myself (not out loud of course). And it is in these times of quietude where a mess of thought becomes coherent.
5 minutes with me would reveal:
1) I love bread & coffee
2) I snack way too much
3) I love my movies
4) I have a strangely low voice for my look,
the latter often described as 'babyfaced'
5) I can be embarrassingly hyper or strangely subdued
(depends on when you catch me)
One more interesting fact:
The skinny figure featured on the left
was dreamt up and drawn by yours truly.
You can say it's me,
albeit with less hair and meat.
(same round face, though.)

PAST MUSINGS-
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
May 2006
July 2006