I know I haven't blogged in quite a while, but I believe this email that I just sent out today to a group of church-mates that have been and continue to be an integral part of my life sums it all up pretty well.

Here goes.

Hallo my dear dear COMrades!

As promised, here's my love email to you all... THANK YOU for meeting me at the airport yesterday. It was truly such a joy, and such a testament of LOVE.
During this season that I've been 'down', I've been sharing my progress with Ps Mark & Aunty Ayelan weekly, but this time I felt that I wanna share with you guys too (and now all you readers out there).

Initially when this physical hoo-ha started in Sep, it was a very frustrating time for me personally. More than just physical, it was a battle of the mind, many thoughts
of condemnation due to inactivity started to come in, and it really was a daily decision to keep tuning in my mind to God. but even that was a struggle. Verses that I used to speak against these thoughts felt like they fell flat, and the anguish was still there.
Yet thru it all I began to realise that God was dealing with me on a deeper level. I have a tendency to 'escape' behind work, and to think that as long as I was super involved in ministry, I'm ok, I'm alright. But my foundation, in actual fact, was shaky. God had to literally stop me in my tracks & render me 'useless' before I slowed down and listened to Him. And beginning, to be honest, I was so consumed by my own 'guilt trips' of not doing anything that I missed out on what He was saying. Then it became more and more clear, and He was showing me how deeply I'd ingrained my personality and self-worth on the wrong things - approval from man, spiritual activity. These things are good, but they are shaky foundation! I was actually putting my confidence in the flesh - my own and other people. But then God started to show
me that this period of struggle within me is necessary if I'm to progress on in my walk with Him, esp if I were to rise up to the calling He has for me. If I'm to be a true leader for Him, I cannot be basing my self-worth on the pleasure of people, becos I can't please everyone! And I'm not even called to do so, but to please God first of all!
It was a hard thing to reckon with, to admit this reliance on people's opinions. Many times it was so tempting to just 'heck-care' the rest period, and to launch back into ministry to get rid of all the guilt trips. But that would be 'a way that seems wise to men, but leads to death.' No matter how 'good' it would have seemed, it would still be escapism from the root cause. But He was opening my eyes to all that, and helped me to just dig in my heels & confront these thoughts headon. And praise God for His faithfulness, that during this period of confusion clouding my mind, He brings people to my path that have brought words like guiding posts and assurances that these things that are happening are necessary. There was a spirit of heaviness that was
hanging over me, and my dad had a vision and word about that, and I had a good talk with my parents that night when he shared with me, and that night was also a restoration of relationship that I praise God for.

And this trip to Perth. If I were to be truly honest with myself, it was perhaps a form of 'escapism' to try to get away from all the thoughts that have been plaguing me. But it's so amazing how God turns things around for good! During this time in Perth, even
though I was alone most of the time, the books I brought along to read, the devotions I have, all tie in together in one single message of TRUSTING GOD. It was like confirmation upon confirmation. And then on Sunday, I went to church service with Bel's friend, and there was a call for healing, so I went forward. Someone came to pray for me, and I felt a warm sensation run through my head (where he'd placed his hand on). After him, the young adults pastor came to pray for me. When he prayed, a series of jolts ran through my body. After the prayer for healing, the pastor then started to release a prophetic word for me, which essentially reaffirmed my call & destiny, the confirmation that this season is for my growth, and the reminder of the need to trust God. After that service, it was as if something had lifted off me. I came to Perth with a heaviness, but that has left. And I really began to experience something different in my walk with God.

It's like the song says, "everything's changed, everything is different." Everything's the same, yet everything's different. Dunno how to put it. But it's like He's given me new eyes, a new perspective, new insight on things, and most imptly, a new perspective in how I am to function and minister as a person, to stop being so 'hard' on myself & relying so much on my own righteousness and to just learn to rest and trust Him & His righteousness. For a workaholic like me who is so used to being in
control & relying on my strengths, this is really a refreshing change, and I'm believing that it'll be permanent, this peace in trusting the Lord in all things.

So if I were to summarise everything, before this season, I was burning myself out without knowing it. I was all passion, all good intentions, but planted by the wrong streams. I was withering without knowing it. And perhaps people thought I was fine and put-together. But my life was going off balance. And this season, God is bringing recovery and restoration of health not just to my body, but to my MIND, and my FAMILY esp. The 2 areas that I've neglected and dismissed all this while. He's bringing back balance to my life. And I've a feeling I know why He didn't choose to heal me instantaneously, even though He could have - He knew that I needed the prolonged 'dependence' & 'inactivity' to really LEARN & have time to RIPEN that would not have come from something instant.

I know that something has changed - and it's definitely a result of all your prayers and love. To know that I'm part of a family that loves me not for how I look like, what I do, but who I am, just as I am, flaws and all. That really really means a lot to me, really.

Thanks always, my dear fellow runners. You gave me my best birthday present of all - your agape love :)

LOVES!!!!!!!!!