I'm slouching in my bed, laptop on my lap, listening to the sound of birds mingling with the construction that has already begun. I see the aircon lightly touching the curtains on my window that move gentily and jerkily with the automated breeze.

It's been a while since I've slacked off like this. Perhaps the last time was when I was in Lund. For D-C ol' me, I feel guilty, seconds ticking by with nothing fruitful being done. Then again, maybe this IS fruitfulness - the recharging and renewal so that I can cont on more efficiently and effectively. I seem to crave the need for rationalising everything; to do things impulsively? Almost unheard of. I think sometimes I think too much. I try to stone off, but can't. Thoughts creep into my mind unwanted, unsought for. I want a break, a mind-blank time, but perhaps that's just running away.

Perhaps that's why the only time I get true true peace is when I fix my mind and eyes on Him. Perhaps too often I'm fixing my eyes on other people and what they think of me, that that's become the basis of all I do. But that becomes so tiring, cos when can one ever be satisfied, with someone else or even ourselves? It's maybe a human thing to always be discontent.

But that's why the Bible tells me to 'not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind'. To live by the world's standards is so tiring. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. It's not tiring to live for Him. It may be tough, but not tiring. His grace is sufficient for me.

I'm increasingly brought to reckon with my faith these few days. Why do I believe in what I believe. Is it because I was brought up in a Christian home? Is it because I've grown up in church, and it's all I've ever known? Is it because that's how I please people, by being a 'good Christian girl'? That can't, and isn't, what it's all about.

This relationship is between me and Jesus, and no one else. Living a life that pleases Him is having a faith rooted and established into the one Foundation that is Jesus Christ, and no one or nothing else. Nothing else can matter. My own righteousness is but filthy rags - so why do I strive?

I hide in His righteousness, in His act of love on the Cross. If all else fails, if everyone else departs from me, can I stand? I think I can only stand if He is with me.

Maybe that's why I suspect I'm not ready to have a guy enter my life yet, because I may just start to fix my eyes on him instead of Him, and that'll be dangerously unstable.

Maybe I'm afraid of falling, because love is such a tricky thing, and the heart is deceitful beyond measure. I'm afraid that when I "fall in love", I fall out of focus.

So I continue to submit and surrender to God's ordained time, to God's ordained partner, whenever, whoever. Some may say I'm weak, to place such decisions in God's hand rather than take the bull by the horns and make things work for myself. But I put no confidence in the flesh, and He sees the biggest picture. He's sovereign, the Beginning and the End, He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.

The Lord is my Helper, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?